Changing The Dialogue

I’ve been struggling recently with the feeling that I am getting good at talking on the blog about how I want to make changes/make a difference, but then taking no action in order to enact said change. Perhaps writing here does have some non-zero impact, but either way it’s certainly not enough. It seems natural to start with something small and then work my way up to something bigger, and over the weekend I realised what the first step should be.

Retaining your school friends as an adult is a bit of a rollercoaster. On one hand, you spent a lot of time in the same environment, on broadly similar paths, and have a lot of shared experiences together. On the other, as you get older, your paths diverge, your interests and priorities change, you have more unique experiences. Your relationship is often still cast in the mould that it was at school though - you still talk about the same things, in the same way. It becomes different to show your own growth in the context of your relationship with them, you remain stuck in place, a snapshot of your former self, for fear of entering the unknown and potentially losing a friendship that you’ve invested so much time and effort into.

I think that last sentiment is simply the sunk cost fallacy in action - if my old friends don’t want to know the new me, then I do not want to keep investing in them further. And so, at the risk of alienating my old school chums, things must change.

This means I must change - if anyone is going to catalyse an important change in the dialogue of the group then it may as well be me. Some of the things we say are problematic, moreover some of the things I say when I’m with them are problematic, because I am still playing the same character I was 10 years ago. It’s no longer acceptable to be desperate for validation, willing to say anything wantonly offensive in order to get an easy laugh out of some teenagers. It’s no longer acceptable to bottle up my feelings and perpetuate the notion that men must be stoic and unwavering at all times, when I am filled with sadness, anger, shame and fear on a regular basis.

It will be uncomfortable, but they are my friends, I love them and I want us all to be better, healthier people, and so here begins my efforts to change our dialogues. Maybe if I can crack our rag-tag band, I can make progress with the world at large.