Competition IV

I’ve been a very competitive person for as long as I can remember, and it’s frequently to my own detriment. I’m a habitually sore loser, holding myself to high standards and unrealistic expectations. Enjoying an activity is inextricably linked to being victorious at it in my mind. Perhaps this compulsion has driven me to greater sporting achievements than otherwise would’ve been obtainable, but at the expense of many, many hours of pain and self loathing.

This feeling bleeds into a lot of areas of my life, and recently that has included climbing. I struggle greatly with the feeling that I am not as good as the people who I go with, that I am not improving fast enough, that I should be able to do a certain route, or do it with more control or consistency. If I am having a session where I’m not in top form, I easily fall into the trap of beating myself up and putting far too much pressure on myself, at the expense of me actually having fun, even though I know on some level that it’s simply not a competition, and I should enjoy it for what it is.

Perhaps it is insecurity or a sense of ego that has prevented me from letting this go so far, but it is rather upsetting - I simply want to be able to enjoy doing stuff with my friends instead of trying to best them at every turn. My goal for the next few weeks at climbing is not to improve - it’s to be bad. And enjoy it regardless.