Embracing Suffering

It is common advice in therapy, self-help manuals, and Buddhist teachings to embrace one's suffering, to lean it into, to try to enjoy it, if such a paradoxical notion is possible. So, fine, here I am, attempting to embrace my suffering, to be vulnerable in my relationships, to express myself honestly, to do and say things despite my anxiety - the things I was told to do. They claimed that I would be better for it, happier, more fulfilled. And perhaps one day I will, but right now it is a momentous struggle, and one in which I am feeling ever more overwhelmed.

Leaning into this suffering, and putting myself into anxiety-inducing scenarios which will allegedly produce good incomes eventually, has served as an acute reminder of of the Pandoran chest of emotions which I customarily keep under lock and key. Vulnerability has greatly intensified my fear of rejection, reminded me of the taste of jealous, and reignited my burning sense of self-doubt.

I suppose I am complaining, which I probably should not be. Ultimately, I am strengthening my relationships, which is what I want. It's just far more difficult than I was led to believe it would be, and while I don't feel like I have much choice but to 'embrace my suffering', having resolved to do so will not lessen the pain therein. Hopefully it will all be worth it in the end.