Feeling On

Lockdown 2.0 means the return of Zoom quizzes, and I participated in one on Wednesday. During the first lockdown, I was miserable the entire time, and it showed on these quizzes - I didn’t really say anything or engage, I pretty much just showed up, answered the questions (mostly incorrectly) and then left. Fortunately I’m doing a lot better so far this time around, and I wanted to make more of an effort to not drain all the energy out of the virtual room. In the end, I tried really hard to talk to people, to ask questions, to make jokes - things I sometimes do in moderation, and sometimes don’t do at all. Making this much effort was a rare occurence for me, but I loved it. I felt “on” - my jokes were landing, things flowed, everything felt easy. I was trying to think of the last time I felt socially “on” in this way as part of a group, and I can’t. It’s been months, maybe years. I used to have that feeling sometimes, and I don’t know what happened, maybe self-consciousness or simply apathy got in the way at some point.

It was a necessary reminder that I’m not necessarily painful to talk to. I’m definitely going to try and make more of an effort in the way I talk to people in future, and hopefully I can get that feeling back on a more regular basis.