One Line Film Synopses

In my recent absence from blogging, I managed to make my way through a respectable number of films, and I thought it’d be fun to write one-line synopses for them all - these all have spoilers to some degree!

Train to Busan

Hot-shot stock trader has head so far up his own rectum it takes the literal apocalypse for him to realise that he should spend more time with his daughter.

The Dead Don’t Die

Adam Driver and Bull Murray are weird, Tilda Swinton is extremely weird, Chloe Sevigny is the only person who reacts proportionately to anything that goes on in this film.

Zombieland 2

Jesse Eisenberg’s continued romantic success with Emma Stone in this movie continues to perpetuate my own incredibly unrealistic expectations about beautiful girls reciprocating my affection.

Human Centipede 1

Weird fetish-horror-porn with no self awareness whatsoever; the dialogue was so bad I was honestly somewhat relieved when the characters were sewn together so they could no longer speak.

Human Centipede 2

Weirder, more horrific horror-porn catering to an even nicher fetish; despite obviously knowing it’s not real, probably more disturbing to me than any of the myriad of things I have seen on the internet that I am reasonably certain were real.

Human Centipede 3

The writers finally acquired some self-awareness, a budget, and Bree Olson, making this film actually somewhat enjoyable once you’ve been desensitised to the absurdity of the trilogy.

Hereditary

A 25 year old highschool student accidentally kills his sister and subsequently becomes the earthly incarnation of Satan.

Midsommar

The penny finally drops for an American student that she deserves better than her boyfriend when they join a pagan cult in rural Sweden and they offer to murder him for her.

The Lighthouse

Robert Pattinson suffers a psychotic break after extensive bullying by a seagull while Willem Defoe mistakenly believes this is an adaptation of a Shakespeare tragedy.