Reflecting On: an iPhone noted dated 19th November 2017

While I originally started writing this series (it feels so arrogant to call a group of these thematically linked posts a series) with the idea of looking at old blog posts I've written, there are a lot of other things from my past I think may be worth reflecting on as well. Some are videos I've made, some are journal entries, email or IM correspondence, forum posts... and this one is a note on my iPhone, dated almost a year ago, on 19th November 2017.

The note reads thusly:

Goals:

Fall in love again

I don't explicitly remember writing this. I assume the idea was that I was going to add more goals, but that I forgot. It does make sound like I'm a bit of a naive loser (and I am), but there is something quite poetic about the fact that I left it like that I think. It is a noble goal and one that I suspect most people strive for, we are just too proud to admint it.

Having it as my sole aim is interesting too. What would I do differently if the only thing in life I was searching for was love, with no regard for career, fulfillment, health, friends or anything else? I think I would still spend time on those things: being healthy and happy, with a good group of friends and a fulfilling career is going to make me much more attractive, and likelier to find love. Would I try and meet more new people, or connect more strongly to those I already know? Would I try different strategies to overcome my social anxiety, or only seek out someone who 'loved me for me'?

It is a good only goal to have. I would put it as my only goal presently, if I didn't think it had one horrible flaw. It inherently focuses too much on the end result, and not the journey. If my only goal was to fall in love, rejections would be incomprehensibly painful. Over time, if I wasn't successful then I expect my self esteem would decrease even further. I think my 'all or nothing' mindset would stop me from forming emotionally fulfilling relationships of any kind with people who I had already mentally decided were not the One, with a capital 'O'.

So I'm going to stick with working on myself, and hope that somewhere along the line, the 'fall' happens purely accidentally - like most literal falls do. Falling in love is more of a bucket list thing, than a meaningful, achievable goal.