The End of the Beginning

Today, at my own request, I was discharged from therapy. It marks the end of a 14 month long stretch of engaging with some kind of professional help for my mental health.

It has been an arduous and often painful journey, but in that way it reflects life when one is not lying on the therapist's couch (although I have never actually got to lie on one of those couches). I felt like I made little to no progress for the vast majority of that time, but in a way, that lack of progress ultimately spurred me to seek other solutions, and was thus ultimately helpful.

A lot of my sessions were horrible. Being confronted with the bleak reality (or lack thereof) of one's consciousness, as condensed and articulated by another, is immensely sobering. There is nowhere to hide in that scenario, and given most mentally ill people's propensity to avoid tackling their problems head on, the only viable alternative is to attempt to will oneself out of existence.

Therein lay my problem, or at least part of it. I hoped, wanted and to some extent expected therapy to be a silver bullet for me, but of course it was not. When you are sick, you go to the doctor and there is some level of expectation that whatever course of action the doctor prescribes will cure all ailments. With mental health and psychotherapy, this is not the case, and rather than admit this to myself, I instead became frustrated with therapy because it "wasn't working", and engaged less and less, exacerbating the issue.

I have made a massive improvement to my mental health in the past two months, and I think these changes might actually stick. Through some amazing friends, whom I too often take for granted, I have learned the value of other people in my life, and was abundantly surprised to discover how much my personal relationships affect my day-to-day happiness. I have done at least some of the work myself though, so I will aportion a non-zero amount of credit to myself as well.

I am truly hopefully today was the last therapy session I will ever have, and that this is the end of the beginning. The future is bright.