Trapped

One of the strangest and most distressing characteristics of modern Western society (and likely other societies that I am not so familiar with) is its ability to ensure its participants feel psychologically trapped by some cycle therein. It could be a relationship, a job or career path, a sexuality, a gender identity, or any one of the innumerable other norms which we feel overwhelming pressured into conforming towards.

I certainly feel trapped by these things. I had a clear path laid out by my environment from birth, and the rigidity of it has been slowly suffocating me ever since. Upon reflection, my feeling of entrapment seems obvious in my past writings, even if it wasn't explicitly acknowledged. Last month alone I mused about setting out to get what I want, my contempt for using 'the grass is greener' as a means of oppressing hope and whether a change in collar would make me happier.

I have struggled with identity for years - I take no pride in my background, I am scared of becoming like many of the people around me, I do not feel like I fit in, in a hopelessly self-aggrandizing, why-can't-you-see-everyone-feels-like-that-you-dick kind of way. I feel trapped inside the path that's set out for me, and one of my biggest fears is that I will die within its confines.

I've also spent some time contemplating and talking with friends about 'the goal'. You know, the biggie. The one that goes on your tombstone. I've felt particularly unsatisfied with my lack of answer to that existential question, but perhaps this is perfect - the dream is to feel truly free. To break out of any sense of obligation to those around me, to do what I want, to express myself honestly, to no longer be constrained to work 50 hour weeks behind a desk and live the 2.4 kids lifestyle.