When It's Easy, It's Easy III

A little over 18th months since I last wrote about everything being easier when I’m not depressed and I have had a fairly major bout of depression in the interim. It is a little amusing that in that post I wondered if I might not get horribly depressed again, which in retrospect obviously seems naive, although I guess I applaud my optimism. The first time I wrote about it I talked about preparing for things to inevitably go south again, and I think that’s a much better stance to have, and the one I am returning to at least for now.

But anyway, once again recently I’ve been thinking how it’s easy when it’s easy. When I’m depressed, trying to do all the basics of wellbeing feels like a Herculean effort, but right now they take up almost no mental effort, leaving me with so much time and space to worry about other things. And that’s really frustrating. I think it really hits home how being depressed feels like such a diminished state of living, it’s existing in some reduced capacity, and I loathe that. I am plagued by the sense that I ought to be miserable right now, struggling with everything in lockdown, just like I did immeasurably so the first time round, but for some reason, I’m still doing fine. I can’t get away from the thought that it doesn’t seem fair that I had to suffer so much during the first lockdown when I have it within me to be just fine, and even thrive, during this one. I recognise that’s not a helpful thought to dwell on though.

I don’t really know what my point is here. I think perhaps it’s jealousy - is this what life is like all the time for some people? I know I need to make the most of it while I can, and hope that it will last, but expect that it won’t.