An open letter to all my friends, ever

Published October 27, 2018 in Personal / Featured - 22 mins to read

Recently my therapist pointed out to me that part of the reason I struggle with relationships might be because of a sense of shame, and I think she was absolutely right. There is a lot which I don’t tell people that I want to, partially out of anxiety, but largely because I’m ashamed of my feelings, often towards the person in question. Having feelings is unmanly and weak in our culture, and even shame itself is a taboo subject, but it’s not even like other taboo subjects. Everyone says “we must end the stigma around talking about dying/mental health/sex”, but nobody says anything about shame.

Anyway. Rather than get anything off my chest individually to anyone, I thought I’d do it all in one place, where I can maintain some kind of idea that this is some kind of experiment for me, and I’m not just being super fucking weird. Here is an open letter to all of my friends, ever:

Fleur. It must’ve been almost 10 years at this point, but I really miss talking to you - how are things? I hope you’re still as cynical as ever, but I hope you’re happy too. I loved talking to you back in the day, you’re so smart and funny. I’m sure that whatever you’re doing, you’re killing it.
Anna. I wish we talked more, I have always found you wonderfully easy to talk to, and in the last few years it seems like you’ve really come a long way. I’d love to hangout and be ‘proper’ friends again, but I don’t want to tread on your boyfriend’s toes or anything, if he does leave you to go live in a slum somewhere he’s a fucking idiot.
Emily. I’m sorry I said all that weird stuff to you last year, I hope it wasn’t too uncomfortable for you. I’m grateful for the good things we had and I learned a lot about myself because of you. I hope you’ve found happiness, and if you’re ever in Guernsey, I’d love to go for a coffee and catch up one day.
Holly. I can count the amount of times we actually talked on my fingers, but you changed my life, as weird as that might sound. You were the first person who seemed to be really into me for being a reasonably authentic version of myself, and that helped me a lot, and in a way it still does. Also, you’re gorgeous and I love your tattoos.
Ellie. You helped me so much, probably without realising it. I felt like we had a tacit understanding and you are one of the only people I’ve talked to who I felt completely unjudged by. I also think you’re hilarious and super talented, and I really hope you find happiness, because you absolutely deserve it.
Lisa. I wish we talked more, every time I get down I think about messaging you, or any time I’m really happy or anything even remotely interesting happens to me. I don’t want to pester you though, I know you’re super busy all the time, I don’t want you to get sick of me complaining or being down all the time. I’m also worried about treading on your boyfriend’s toes - I can’t imagine he’d exactly see me as a “threat” but still. TBH I only really ‘got over you’ when you started dating him, so perhaps that makes me less likely to confess my undying romantic love for you? You’ve changed my life so much for the better and I love you.
Mancini. Are you alright man? I hope you are, I don’t want your job to grind you down. I think you’re fucking hilarious, you crack me up every single time we hang out, which is something we should do more of. Hit me up, let’s get a beer and complain about how we can’t get laid.
JAG. I don’t want to dislike you, but yikes, your walls are higher than mine. I feel like you’re always putting on a show, trying to fit yourself into some mould you have in your mind of how you should be. Life isn’t like that, you don’t have to pretend… try and be authentic, even if it feels impossible and overwhelming. Also don’t listen to me, I’m in no position to give advice to anyone else.
Myles. I am so sorry about being a giant prick last NYE! But I am so happy for you that you have a girlfriend and you managed to escape the rock. I think you’re hilarious and down to earth and generally a lot of fun to chill with - let’s get a beer when you’re back.
Nick. I think uni changed you a lot, and I didn’t like a lot of that change, but I still love you like a brother. I am incredibly jealous of your will to do what it is you love and to not care what anyone thinks. I only hope you don’t lose too much perspective - go and talk to some people that aren’t rich and white, I think you’d learn a lot. But also, don’t listen to me, and just do whatever makes me happy, you deserve it, and thank you for everything you’ve done for me.
Laura B. I wish we talked/hung out more! It feels like things have been a bit weird between us this year and I’m not really sure why. I love that even if we don’t talk for a few months at a time, once we do I feel comfortable telling you about what I’m struggling with and can be open about my mental health with you. I have no doubt that you’ll find happiness and success in anything you put your mind to.
Fiona. I really miss you being more involved in my life - I feel like I never appreciated you as much as I should have and I’m sorry for that. You’re the only person who I have close to no anxiety about being around, and that’s amazing. I wish we talked more, but I don’t want things to be weird with your boyfriend. I hope we get to hang out more in the future, and I hope you are happy.
Jodie. I’m so sorry I’m so awkward and weird with you, I wish I could just articulate my feelings like an adult but they’re a weird mess. I feel like I’m really awful at communicating, especially in certain situations, and you seem to have been on the receiving end of that lack of aptitude. Things have obviously been kind of weird with us this year but I think you’re great and I wish we could get them back on track - your heart is really in the right place and that puts you exceptionally high up in my eyes.
Lesley. I think we have a very typical “manly” relationship where we don’t ever really acknowledge our feelings much, but I appreciate you a lot, and you have helped me greatly this year. It’s thanks to you that I even got into poker, which gave rise to some of the greatest opportunities and friendships of my life. Since coming back to Guernsey you’ve been incredibly kind to me while knowing I have been struggling with my mental health, without ever needing an explanation, and that means a lot. It’s so comforting to know that I can always send you the classic “pub?” text and we can be playing pool 30 minutes later. You’re way more intelligent than I have previously given you credit for, and I’m super excited to be living with you soon.
Vicky. I am especially bad at telling you how I feel about you. Last summer when we got close was the first time in years I had felt really, really into someone, and before that I wasn’t sure if I’d ever have that feeling again. I was desperate to say something to you but terrified of rejection. Things were obviously pretty weird between us while you were with Will, and I was confused about the whole thing, but I still felt largely the same about you. This summer was weird too, and I’m sorry I didn’t say something about how I felt sooner. I think you’d benefit from a bit of perspective sometimes, and you could maybe not worry about Instagram so much, but we’re all flawed. I’m glad you care about me, I really want to get to know you better and I’m still really, really attracted to you.
Jem. Your honesty is so refreshing, and I love talking to you. I would love to do some kind of programming side-project with you, but I’m worried I’m not proficient or intelligent enough to keep up with you, and you’d end up just doing all the work. Sometimes I worry that you’re lonely but you never show it, and I hope you’re not, and that you’re happy, and that you love yourself.
Charlie. I love you more than anything in the world. I worry about you all the time and worry that I am not a good enough brother, that I could and should be doing more to help you and be a bigger part of my life. Sometimes you annoy the fuck out of me and I want to kick you down the stairs. But I care about you far more than myself or anyone else, and if there is ever anything I can do to make you happy then I’ll do it.
Polly. I honestly think you might be the perfect human being - I really hope we talk more and get closer in the future. You’re obviously really intelligent, hilarious, easy to talk to, I love your sense of self-awareness and of altruism, and to top it off you’re gorgeous, how is that fair? If you ever move back here then I would absolutely love to take you on an awkward, terrible, emotionally unfulfilling date.
James F. I’m glad we seem to have finally buried our various hatchets. I compared myself negatively to you for years. In the end, I think we are more similar than perhaps we’d both like to admit. I hope you’re holding up alright, and if you ever want to get a beer and talk about literally anything other than our feelings, then I’m down.
Josh. It’s been forever! Thanks for being there for me in my awkward teenage years while I was trying to figure everything out. I have made minimal progress in that department, but still. You were very kind to me when I was younger and I appreciate that. You also got me into TF2, which changed my entire life and led me to discovering esports as a whole which I grew to become deeply passionate about, and I owe you greatly for that.
Tom. You might be the funniest person on this list. There’s very few people I can think of who could just look at me a certain way and I’d crack up laughing. I love the way you present yourself and your relaxed, don’t-take-it-too-seriously outlook on life, and I hope that is how you truly feel. I’m not even entirely sure where you live or what you do these days… but I would to find out, message me for a drink if/when you’re back in Guernsey next!
Ollie. I miss you a lot man. We were close at one point, you have seen me at absolute rock bottom, and you’re one of the few male friends I ever managed to begin opening up to. It feels like we’ve barely spoken in the past couple of years and I hope it wasn’t because I was a negative influence on your life - I know I was something of a burden to live with. Your girlfriend is awesome and I’m super jealous. I know you’re busy getting that bread in some fancy law firm somewhere, but I’d love to hear about it sometime.
Rozelle. I really hope we can laugh sometime about how incredibly weird and awkward that night I stayed at yours in Edinburgh was… I was just too scared to do anything, you’re so pretty! It made for an amusing, if pitiful story at least. You were the first girl I was ever completely infatuated with as a teenager, and you handled it pretty well, even though I was super fucking weird, you even reciprocated a little, so thank you! I hope you’re doing well and enjoying your life, and that we can catch up again sometime soon.
Ted. Seeing as you are one of the very few people on this list who I think will actually read this, I am tempted to rein it in… but nah. I feel like I was a terrible horse, and I’m sorry about that - there was something wrong with my mindset that I never really acknowledged enough to attempt to fix. I’m sorry I bailed so early on the meditation retreat, I wish I could have stuck it out. I’m sorry I went completely AWOL on the dapp, I felt super burned out and depressed but didn’t do a good job of communicating that at all, in part because I already felt like I’d let you down as a horse and didn’t want to do the same on this. I do really want to finish my share of it though, if you have not already done so on your own - let me know what the status of the project is. Also apologise to Mica for me, I don’t think I ever gave her enough credit. She’s kind and inquisitive and her passion for everything is something I admire greatly. You have inspired me a lot and I love your way of looking at the world, every day I try to make my own worldview more like yours.
Matt M. In my eyes you are the biggest success story from GTO Club, when you joined I remember we talked about mental game and mindset for hours a day, and you struggled a lot with it. Now you seem to embody the balanced path better than any of us - eat well, in great shape, crush your job, got a solid partner, play poker for fun - I am very jealous. You taught me a tonne in those early GTO Club days, not just about poker but about life, and I think through your example you are still teaching me a lot about life. Gary Vaynerchuk is full of shit - I don’t wanna work 16 hours a day for some vague promise of future riches and success. I wanna live like you, and do simple things that make me happy every day, and enjoy it for what it is - you should write a book, because I’d read it.
Matt Ha. I miss training with you so badly - your “it doesn’t matter if I’m bad, I’m still going to try” attitude, combined with the way you could mix hard work and having a laugh made me look forward to fencing with you every week. How many pushups can you do these days? You were kind, genuine, funny and fun-loving. I’d love to know what you’re doing with your life.
Higgs. I give you a lot of shit for not being intelligent, but you are succeeding at something I failed at in your career so I have no right to do so. You have the worst taste in partners of any person I’ve ever met, with the possible exception of myself. On the other hand, you have excellent taste in roommates. You have the hugely underrated ability to laugh at yourself in every situation, and have been far kinder to me than I have deserved, so thank you. If you still play SC2 at all then send me a message and let’s play some co-op.
Sammy. I feel like I did a horrible job of communicating with you, and potentially hurt you in the process, and I’m really sorry for that. You were far more patient with me than you should have been, and I’m grateful for you putting up with my anxiety when it was at its peak. To be honest, I was kind of taken aback by how into me you seemed to be, whereas in reality I probably should’ve been flattered. I hope you’re enjoying Hungary and you’ve found happiness in yourself
Molly. It’s been forever, but I miss you! Your sense of humour and upbeat attitude got me through so many Friday afternoons at jazz. I think you’re hilarious and beautiful, and I hope you’re doing well - I’d love to hear about the last 5 years of your life over a drink at some point.
Brenden. So, in the spirit of confession… my brother actually never got hit by a car. My anxiety was unbearable on that trip, I knew I had to go home but I was too scared to tell you the truth. I’m really sorry, it was pretty much the ultimate dick move, and I feel like a shitty person for it, especially because I know you were so excited for that trip and were so kind to me about it. I learned a lot from talking to you and I think we have a lot in common, but sometimes I felt like you had to slow down and enjoy the moment. I am sure you are successful in whatever it is you are doing right now, and I hope it’s making you happy.
Ongun. You inspired me a lot, and I don’t think I made enough effort to talk to you or be friends with you - in part because I viewed you as being infinitely better at both poker and life than I was. Talking to you made me realise that happiness was a much more nuanced path that lay within my own consciousness, rather than money or success or sex. I love your honesty and your willingness to share what you know with others and give them your time, with no expectations in return.
Rifhan. Rif, I’m so sorry for everything that happened between us. The way I dealt with things is one of the biggest regrets of my life and one of my greatest shames. You were sweet and lovely to me and what I did was horrific. I don’t want to make excuses, but I was scared and in a bad place. I really, truly hope you are happy and that you have discovered who you are. I’d love to catch up - message me or email me!
Laura S. I’m really sorry for how I treated you, I was in a really rough place and took it out on you somewhat. I admired your adventurous spirit and lack of desire for conformity, and you were far sweeter to me than you should’ve been. I hope you’ve found happiness and you’re enjoying whatever it is you’re doing with life these days.
Chris. My favourite gentle giant - I think I have just about forgiven you for trying to get me sectioned. I know it came from a place of love, so I’ll let you off. I was always surprised at how well we got on given my nerdy, effeminate tendencies and your love of rugby, beer, the gym and other manly things. I miss living with you and dicking around all the time, it was a lot of fun. I especially miss some of the nights we had out in Dalton Rooms, or at least what little I can remember of them. I hope you’re doing well, and I’d love to know how your academic career is progressing - are you still at uni? Did you ever decide on if you were going to try and become a surgeon? What can you bench these days?
John. Thank you for making me feel so included at university, it was something I was really lacking at the time and fencing became the way I got through my weeks. I never talked to you or Pat about my mental health struggles, which were why I was sometimes really weird, because I was scared you guys would judge me or I wouldn’t be as welcome on the team as I was, but I suspect that Claire knew and told you anyway. You were nicer to me about my fencing ability to me than you needed to have been, and thank you for trying to teach me how to drink properly.
Pat. One thing you said to me has really stuck with me in a way you probably wouldn’t guess and don’t remember. I can’t remember when or why, but in reference to Alina (or whatever her name was), you said “she likes you because you’re one of us”. Being “one of you” stuck with me so much, and gave me a huge sense of belonging at a time when I had none. I’m sorry I never told you about my mental health issues either, and thank you making training so much fun, and the socials afterwards even more fun.
Wai Yu. Thank you for giving me someone to talk to about anime and video games in an environment when I was scared of even admitting to liking those things for fear of judgment. You were a great training partner and were far too harsh on yourself, you were also hilarious. I hope whatever you’re doing these days is going well for you.
Claire. You were so, so kind to me and I appreciated it so much. I think you’re funny and sweet and intelligent and gorgeous and that John was (/is?) majorly punching. I hope you’re enjoying the BBC and I’d love to catch up one day.
Matt Hu. According to my Dotabuff, you’re the person I’ve played the most games with - almost 500. That’s a lot of memories! I loved having your positive attitude in those insanely toxic games. You’re so sweet and genuine and I’d love to know what you’re up to these days and catch up.
Tabby. I miss when you used to ironically call me baby - it made me so happy, in a very pathetic, lonely teenage kinda way. You were always far, far too lovely to me and I apologise you were on the receiving end of so much of my teen angst, but thank you for being patient with it and being so kind to me despite all that. I hope you’re doing well and enjoying your life.
Jack M. I miss the days of us all playing Dota together. You’re clearly a smart kid, and I hope you’re putting it to use somewhere that’s not an accountancy firm, and that you’ve realised you don’t need to live up to your brothers, but can be your own person.
James W. Honestly I’m never going to forget the sight of you eating an entire raw onion - you’re more of a man than you’ll ever be. You had far too much respect for my shitty opinions and were generally far too kind for me. Even if you never really talked about it, I know you weren’t always at peace with things, but I hope you are now.
Jack W. I miss playing Dota with you and your weird sense of humour. I’d love to know what you’re doing with your life these days - I see you queuing sometimes still, send me an invite sometime.
Garrard. The most dependable support there ever was! I miss playing with you, and your dancing is legendary enough that it might even rival Jem’s. I listened to your Soundcloud recently and was really impressed, I hope you keep that up and try and make something of it. What’re you up to these days? Always down to return the favour and support you in DuoQ sometimes, or play some co-op SC2.
Cam P. I’ve never been so inspired by someone’s weight loss transformation as I have been with yours, and I am hope that eventually I will follow in your footsteps. I loved spending many long hours grinding with you at LANs and eating Subways for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Carry me at Dota sometime maybe?
Cam D. You have the most amazing work ethic of anyone I’ve ever met, and I am incredibly envious of it. I love your attitude, your humility, and the way in which you don’t make excuses and give it your all to fix a problem. I hope you succeed in poker - you deserve it far more than I ever did. I’d love to talk hands or shoot the shit sometime, perhaps you can teach me a thing or two about NL.
Damien. When you said that you’d love to have me at your wedding, I know it may have been an offhand comment that I somewhat forced on you, but it made so happy, and it was so sweet. I love how little you give a shit about what people think and your total lack of filter, it helps me feel at ease when talking to you and I know you’re not going to judge me for anything. I’m excited to finally meet you IRL and get very, very drunk.
Lottie. Honestly I think you’re the most attractive person I know, you’re a solid 11/10, how is that even possible, are you even real? I think you’re incredibly smart, funny, kind, self-aware and beautiful… if you ever want a mildly unattractive nerdy guy who’ll treat you right in your life, hit me up.
James S. I’m sorry I was so awkward when we met up at Reading that time, sadly it’s in my blood it seems. Fencing with you was a lot of fun and I still can’t believe you managed to pull on a night out while wearing your mum’s sports bra, you should put that on your CV. Are you still playing the drums? I hope whatever you’re doing, it’s going well.
Luke LM. You taught me that a lot of traditional masculine gender roles are fucking dumb, and that I didn’t need them to be a man, and I appreciate that a lot. I was far harsher to you than I should’ve been, but you were so sweet and I hope you’re doing great with whatever it is you’re doing those days. I’m guessing you’re rarely in Guernsey but if you ever are, I’d love to go for a drink sometime.
Laura O. I feel bad for how I treated you, I lead you on a lot and it wasn’t really fair. Thank you for being so kind to me during that time though - I’m not sure if you ever realised, but I was really struggling, and it was nice to escape in your car in the evenings when things were bad.
Laura C. You got me into alexisonfire and Brand New, two bands which changed (and saved) my life, and shaped who I am today. Thank you so much for that and for at least attempting to beat some of the angst out of me, I feel like being friends with you helped me grow up a lot, something I desperately needed at the time. I’m so happy that you managed to follow your passion and make music your career, and I really hope you’re happy.
Jo. It's been years since we last spoke, but I saw you in the pub the other day and it made me think how much I'd love to catch up and get to know you again. You were so sweet and kind to me when I was a weird, awkward teenager, and I appreciated that a tonne.
Callum. We need to have a drink sometime soon man, I miss your ridiculous paramedic stories and general sense of reckless abandon. Are you living in Guernsey or did you manage to the big wide world? Have you been snowboarding at all recently? Are you still an absolute degenerate?