Feel the Pain | Be the Cowboy

Feel the Pain

My therapist said something at lunchtime today that I have not been able to stop thinking about since. She told me: 'feel the anxiety, feel the fear feel the pain.' At first it seems nonsensical, pain is our body's way of telling us something is wrong, and not to repeat whatever it was we just did. Pain is something to be avoided. And my mindset is to avoid any kind of emotional pain, at all costs.

But that's stupid - I go to the gym almost every day and intentionally put my body through a lot of pain in order to get stronger and fitter. So why not do the same with my feelings?

I have no good answer. My goal tomorrow is to feel the pain.

Be the Cowboy

I have been a huge fan of Mitski's music for the past few years now. Her NPR Tiny Desk and KEXP performances on Youtube are amazing (in particular her haunting rendition of Class of 2013 on Tiny Desk), Bury Me at Makeout Creek has some amazing songs (eg Townie) and I thought Puberty 2 was a masterpiece. Earlier this year she released her fifth studio album "Be the Cowboy", and it is even more so a masterpiece, a serious contender for my favourite album of 2018. Go and listen to it.

I can't remember or find the interview I saw with her where she explained the name of the album, but it was something along these lines:

I remember when I was in college I used to really enjoy watching this one guy perform. The way he acted on stage was so brash and arrogant, like a cowboy, but he was incredible to watch and an amazing musician. Obviously that was years ago now, and recently I was thinking I missed being able to see him play, strutting up and down the stage with his guitar. And then I thought - instead of being sad you can't watch him play, play like the cowboy yourself. Be the cowboy.

I was listening to the album today. It's haunting and lonely and beautiful. And it made me think: don't 'be the change you want to be in the world', because that's some lame ass shit. Be the fucking cowboy.