I love you
Yesterday my roommate posted this, and it made me think. Such a simple sentence, "I love you", is probably one of the most flexible in the English language, with a variety of different contextual meanings, and furthermore having a different and unique personal meaning to everyone who understands it. It can be a trivial throwaway "thank you" for someone doing a favour, or it can be a powerful declaration of commitment and desire. Like everyone else, I have my own feelings towards the phrase.I used to tell a lot of people I loved them: most of my friends, any girl I was vaguely into at the time, sometimes my family. This was probably when I was 15 or 16, and I didn't attach the same meaning to "love" I do now - it just meant I cared about the person, they were someone close to me. Then, close friendships faded, romantic relationships ended in tears, my parents and I argued a lot. The problem with saying "I love you", is that you can't take it back; once you've said it, you've made that commitment. You can't clarify it either - you say it meaning one thing, and given the varying nature of the word, it can be interpreted in a lot of different ways. Once you say "I love you" to someone, you are vulnerable to them, and if they hurt you then the pain is far greater than without those words.
Now, at 22, I can't remember the last time I told someone I loved them. It means something different to me now than it did when I was younger, it means more, which makes me scared to say it. There are still plenty of people I love, and even want to say the words to, but I don't. Saying it to my brother would seem lame and uncool, given we usually talk about alcohol, heavy metal and girls. The prospect of saying it to my parents fills me with anxiety. I don't say it to my best friend, worried she might misinterpret it, or that she wouldn't say it back. But she knows I love her, I think, so perhaps I don't need to say it. A new friend, who I have grown close to, and maybe do love in a romantic sense (how am I supposed to know?) - I would say it back, but never initiate.
There is another important person in my life who I need to say "I love you" to, but he is the hardest to talk to about it - me. I think that is part of the reason I am scared to be vulnerable with others, I am not secure and confident in my love for myself. I'm not sure if you really can love someone else if you don't love yourself first. There was a time when Mica's post would've made me yearn for a lover to say the words to before I go to sleep every night, but now it makes me want to learn to love myself instead.