Some More Thoughts About Weight Loss III
It’s been one of those days when I feel especially at war with my body. Or perhaps the war is between different parts of my brain. Having been for a run first thing this morning, I spent much of that time thinking how much easier it would be if I weighed less, and had the opportunity to look enviously at other, faster runners who do weigh less, for instant validation of this idea. Obviously I paid no attention to any faster runners who might’ve been heavier than me, nor to slower ones who were lighter. During the rest of the day I would see pictures or videos of other, slimmer, fitter people, and feel consumed by a desire to look like they do, paired with a dissatisfaction that I don’t already.
That dissatisfaction is a painful reminder that I have felt like this for a long time. All my friends have heard me say I want to lose weight, for the last ten years. If you’re reading this, you might well be sick of me writing about it, as I feel like it just goes round and round, on and on, and nothing ever changes, no progress is ever made. I never figure anything new out, I never unlock the secret to a healthy relationship with food, it all kinda feels a little like I’m losing my mind, especially because my relationship with food and my body takes up a lot of my mental energy, every single day.
I know what I want to do - lose weight (not even just for aesthetic purposes, for running and climbing too). I know how to do it - I’ve spent a long time wondering if that was the issue, and have put in the hours to understand at least the basics of nutrition and weight loss in a heatlhy, sustainable way. The problem is, I can’t actually do it. Even though I try really, really hard. This is demoralising and infuriating and often leaves me just feeling kinda broken. Despite any previous strength of resolve, it only takes a fraction of a second to rationalise eating something, in true “my diet starts tomorrow” cliché fashion. I don’t want to say I’m “addicted” to food because I don’t think my relationship with food is of any detriment to my physical health and there are those for whom that actually is the case, but I feel completely out of control when it comes to food, and it’s always been that way, and that’s terrifying. I’ve always thought that if I just somehow try harder, it’ll get better… and not only do I know how stupid that sounds, I’m also at the point where I can’t pretend to myself any longer that that might be true, because I have the track record to show that it doesn’t. I thought it was an emotional thing, but now I’m not so sure, I feel like I am happy and doing well at the moment, but still my eating patterns are the same.
I’m sure I’ve said the exact same thing about this in previous blogs, but I really want to do something different, and figure this out for once. I don’t want to starve myself or never eat ice cream again or only eat in a 6-hour “feeding-window” (I am not a battery farm animal) or go into ketosis or whatever other shit I have tried in the past, I just want to feel in control of my relationship with food and my body.
I don’t really know where to start, but the good news is that at the moment I have the time and energy to try and figure it out.