Happiness

(Have I ever had a blog post titled happiness before?)

When I played poker, during a downswing I would allow myself to fully hate every moment of it. The fact that I knew it was negative variance meant nothing, it would crush my spirit and my soul. But when I was on an upswing, I was constantly conscious that it was only temporary, and the inevitable losses were coming. I barely allowed myself to derive any joy from winning, certainly nowhere near the magnitude of the misery I allowed myself to feel when I was losing.

Recently, my mental health has been a lot like that too. When I was in London recently, I was happy - but that happiness was plagued by the thought that I was very likely to feel depressed on my return home. I worry that this is truly the illness 'winning' - when there are no highs to balance out the lows, the lows invariably take more of a toll.

Today, I was happy again. And it won't last - it might not even last until tomorrow. I'd be very surprised if it lasts until Monday and I would be frankly flabbergasted if it lasted for a whole week. But, I am determined not to let that mar this feeling today. I am taking back my happiness.

And besides, perhaps I will be happy tomorrow anyway.