I Miss Lockdown II

Last time I wrote about missing lockdown I said that I hoped once I moved to London, I would be able to have a more peaceful existence, and take some of the lessons I learned from the simpler times of quarantine and apply them to “normality”. Reading it back now, that seems very naive, in part because of London’s nature as a less-than-peaceful place to live, but primarily because of my own nature, particularly of my tendency to keep trying to do more and more with my time, inevitably getting overwhelmed, swearing off everything but the basics, rinsing and repeating.

I have always viewed happiness as unnecessarily complex, and I feel like I’m doing it again. If I know happiness is simple, why do I insist so vehemently on overcomplicating it? Maybe I’m just particularly susceptible to media messaging or personal jealousy, but either way it feels frustrating, to seemingly self-sabotage while trying to get the thing I want most.

I’ve started more seriously looking at meditation retreats this week. Perhaps if I can’t recreate the feelings I had during lockdown as part of my normal routine, I can instead recreate the conditions of lockdown itself.